Changing views

        I never liked dusk. My likes and dislikes used to stay with me for long, rarely it changes. But in case of dusk it was more than a dislike. I feared twilight, a lot of times it scared me out without any reason. I always had a feeling of lose at the time of dusk; like something going to end and a number of times I broke into tears as I couldn’t control the feeling. I don’t know that was a common thing or I was just freaking out for no reason. Anyway I wanted to be in closed spaces at twilight. Even I was with my family or friends, I knew I was losing my happiness at that time and my face turning pale. If I was alone I used to cry (consider I enjoy my solitude very much at other times). The sight of sun going out whether it was at my home yard or beach suffocated me alike. I always tried to be normal and acted normal in public but I knew I was conquered by the feeling of fear always.  It had been with me for long 26 years; all my life. I never enjoyed anything at unset until last Sunday.

     Last Sunday, I was traveling at dusk and alone, and when it was near 6 pm, I thought ‘here it comes’ and I closed my eyes. But I was happy and for the first time I felt that I just have to enjoy the moment. Apparently my seating was to the west side and at window. And I looked at the departing sun doubtfully since I was not sure of any change in me. Actually there was not much change in my life so I expected the fear would come at any moment. But even that thought; that doubt was a happy one. I was not feared. For the first time I felt so much ease at that time and I started to enjoy the view. If I were a an artist I would draw paintings of what I saw outside, the beautiful sunset moments which I had seen 1000 times before, but have seen with ‘what I should have been seen with’ for the first time then. I can’t explain the calm and peace I felt at that time. It was beautiful, and that is usual but I felt that then only for the first time. The horrific feeling that always stayed with me till then was not there. I felt like I was liberated. Well, the question was where it had gone? Why was it with me till that day? May be I’m feeling ‘worst is over’ or ‘I become mature enough to tackle anything comes in my way’ (or the feeling of nothing worst can happen to me than the period of my life that just passed through).

       And each day after that till today I go out at twilight and watch the sunset. It is not there and gone forever. I don’t know what it was but it was tragic, the pain I felt was countless; the feeling of unseen wound and bleeding. Dusk is no more fearful for me, there is nothing ending at dusk, no negativity at that time. It is just peaceful, now at dusk; I have to farewell the sun for the day and then just to wait for new rise.