On marriages: my personal note

    After the last post, I thought I should give an account of my personal experience regarding marriage (my marriage, of course). I’m a 26 year old girl who has been constantly faced questions related my marriage for at least last 5 years and even now that continues. People who are close to me (relatives, well some of them) talk about that rudely to me (as they know because of me I’m not getting married), and others sympathizes on my plight (like I’m so sad about that!). Actually, 1 year ago I agreed with my parents for a marriage, but the groom search still on as we couldn’t reach conscience in many cases (well, we are still on periphery). I could say the ‘conflicts of interest between us’ is the reason for that.

      Well, I differ with my parents in a lot of things related marriages. My father is pretty much orthodox with the idea of marriage, especially ‘the girl’s marriage’. That includes the girls should be ‘married off’ at the right age to the ‘perfect’ guy who is belonging to the specific group approved by the social elites of our surrounding. He has the dream of his daughter’s perfect marriage (which becomes perfect only if it follows the way followed by the society I live). My mother’s view sounds terrific for me as she just don’t want me at home any more. That’s it, she don’t want to answer anybody’s question, don’t want to get humiliated, for her if I don’t want to get married just go for any exam coaching and stay away from home. So she doesn’t have the daughter’s marriage dream unless I dream that. And I think my brother is not at all concerned about any of this than he thinks I’m a little bit spoiled by my parent’s affection for me. Well, he thinks I’m not working hard so that remains unemployed. On this (my unemployment), we all are on the same page; all are concerned and worried about that.

        Now, about me, I was never fascinated by marriages. I was bored to watch marriage cassettes and even albums (my interests limited to whether I look okay or not in them). Well, I see master and slave life in marriages around me (even though the people in most of the cases called them as perfect couples). I always hated the gender inequality that prevailed here, and I don’t see many examples to counter me in this aspect even now. But in my early years I was not much aware about what is in the making of marriages. Even after high school I thought it was something that happens to everybody, so it might come to me also. But during my graduation days, I sense the lack of freedom in women’s lives after marriages (assume they have freedom before marriage, okay). So I thought I wouldn’t do it as I was not that adjustable. Then during my life journey I got this notion that one should get married only when they meet somebody in their life and want to share life with the other. And it should be mutual decision between two people. So I couldn’t agree with the idea that you first decide to get married and then search for the right people (I still can’t). It may be right for some people, that they meet their soul mate (real life partners) through searching. But for the majority they are forced to live with people they don’t even understand (I don’t think ‘the perfect couples’ of such arranged marriages agree with this). But for them it is the way of life. I don’t agree with this, at least for the people who are not willing to tie knot in this way should be spared. I thought I should get married only when I meet the right guy.

       But still being an unemployed somewhat changed my whole plan. I don’t mind answering the questions by my neighbours or strangers, but my parents were (are) struggling with that. And eventually it affected me also, I think. I was already upset about job. I thought it would be easy for me to get into the first step of my career, but it didn’t happen as I thought and eventually the next steps never came. In that time (approximately a year back) I noticed something; I was losing my smiling face. Even though I didn’t have an always smiling face, I used to smile most of the time (especially when I’m alone). I considered it as a warning sign; something like ‘don’t fight many battles at same time, it will destroy you’. Even though my parents were not forcing me for anything I didn’t wanted, there were tensions among us. Talks about my jobs used to end in marriage talks. And we all have to answer the ‘society’ questions. I realised I’m not going to achieve anything in that hostile environment. I need a change, a good one that make me feel better (and my parents also). More than that I wanted people who can understand me around, not questions everything. I stick to my home even after my studies (against my mother’s coaching advice) for the resources available for my preparations at home (starting from newspapers to the broadband connection, and of course food too). But it is turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

         So after much thinking I told my parents, I’m ready for marriage with one main condition that I don’t want to be anywhere near my place (after marriage). I always wanted to be away from this place. I don’t know exactly why, but I never felt I belong to here. I like this place, it’s beautiful and like the people to some extent. I think I do have problem with the mind set of people who tends to follow some barbarian norms in the name of tradition and of course the attitude towards women which I greatly disagree with. You don’t want to struggle with the people you like and it will hurt more when such people don’t understand you. I thought my job would take me away from here and I may meet new people like-minded with me. It never happened. I was so sure that I won’t meet somebody like-minded with me here (because I never met an exception), that is why such a condition.

        After that some marriage brokers came to my house with some profiles of boy’s and all of them competed to prove how much futile my life is. Each of them said; I’m just a post graduate in science field and a job less so the profiles they showing us are the best for me and I don’t have to think much. Most of them were rejected by my parents themselves, some by me for not fulfilling the place condition, which was not welcomed by my father and some of my relatives. That really irritated me as it was my single condition and I was questioning over that. And then I completely understood how the girls say ‘yes’ to the first or near proposals that came before them. How can a girl resist such pressure, like emotional blackmailing? Anyway I was also stubborn, didn’t change my mind.

             My allergy towards such brokers just not confined to that area only. They came by saying some huge family names and prospects job and salary. They think both families matches well. How these people, who don’t know me at all, make me meet people for a lifetime relationship? This put me in another dilemma, who am I? They define me as my name, explains me as daughter of ‘x’ and ‘y’ belongs to the ‘z’ family. And I don’t find me there. Of course I do have traits of my parents, and my behavior is completely depend on the environment I was raised. But I differ with my parents in almost everything related life style. Our views about religion, rituals, marriage, family, freedom, society, politics, attitudes etc are different. The important thing is I do have the freedom in my house to differ. I can present my views on anything without hesitation in front of my family, and that is what I like most about my parents. We coexist happily. But I do have to explain things at times, and most of the times they agree with me without much thinking because they are my parents (they know me). I wonder what will happen when people met on same family status start to live together and they find out the personality differences. And I want to live with people who think same like me or at least think people can think differently.

          And I used to saw this family name and status usage for getting more dowries. All of the brokers praised not only the family but the boy also. So I wanted to ask these brokers why such a worthy lad marries me, when they don’t find me as praiseworthy at all. Other most common statement was boy would be in a high position in 5 or 10 years. Yes, I couldn’t be what I wanted to, but that doesn’t mean I will never be that. These people are selling boy’s future in marriage market, but can’t even think girl too got something like that. I jokingly asked my mother that if I become what I want (consider I want something great!) or somebody important, may I have a chance to replace my husband post? My mother said I can’t joke like that on marriages as they are so emotionally important. But I still have doubt, if people are pairing each other on the positions and power quantity, and then there should be replacements at each power/position improvement, right? Or one may not get a chance to improve after marriage. And this is happening in many marriages. Ego and competition rule relationships. Anyway after such experiences I was pretty much convinced that I would not be getting married by some people who just have no idea about me.

      Then I tested my luck in matrimonial sites. That made me real confused. I knew even though I’m not going for the religion/ caste criteria my parents are particular about that (may be my father only). But my mother is so much inclined to the horoscope match criteria. So my profile is not much my profile. It tells about my family, my education, religion, caste, and horoscope and some qualification needed for the partner regarding the same things stated in my profile; his family, religion, caste, education and horoscope.  I have no interest in any of that in my partner’s life. I don’t even mind which country he belongs to or a religion. I hate the importance that horoscope match is having in my life (it only eliminate some good options). More than that, I fear people who have a great affinity towards such things (religion, rituals and horoscope) will only show up interest for my profile which is like I stated above. It is my parent’s preference, not mine. I could always differ with my parents in which I don’t believe in, but what if it is not possible in future life? I will tell you why that scares me.

          I’m a good-looking, intelligent, talented, smart girl (just kidding, read an ‘average’ before every adjective). In addition to these averages I’m unemployed too. And there is no singing, dancing, painting caliber resides in me. Plus, I don’t hold a professional degree. So I’m out of most of the partner preferences of a lot of profiles. Then comes the religion and caste part, I don’t want to be with people so much obsessed with religion or caste. My parents may prefer the same community as it is tradition here; but they are not at all in the way ‘to ready to die for caste and religion’. And there are some more qualifications needed for girls in most of the boy’s partner preferences part. It is confusing for me; actually the meaning of such preferences confuses me. They want girls who are 

Homely – what they mean by this I haven’t get it yet. At my home I’m comfortable as my home and outside I behave with the atmosphere. I don’t find a homely touch in me, well, I don’t know.

Loving and caring/take care of me and my parents – I also added this ‘caring’ word in my partner preference in the sense compassionate. But I now have doubts about the word ‘care’. In my family four of us take care of our things ourselves (even though I and my brother are still not financially independent). We don’t mind helping each other at need, but none of us do others' things completely. In a sense we are independent of taking decisions and carrying out that and we do get others' support whenever we needed. If somebody means by ‘taking care of his family’ that while he works outside and earn, I mind this whole household works and sit at home, then I’m not ready for that (even though I do take part in almost every work at home). Since I’m unemployed it’s my primary aim to become financially independent and take care of myself. I don’t want to be taken care of anymore; I want to be responsible for myself. 

God loving/god fearing/religious – I do believe in God because it is good for me to believe in such a power than not believing in it. I do go to temples and churches at times (not frequently). I don’t believe in bribing god in any way. But I don’t contradict or oppose others' believe in religious matters. And I won’t allow anybody to impose any such things on me. My mother is other side of this attitude, a little bit superstitious too. My superstitions limits to my reluctance  to write an even number first when I fill Sudoku (I proved myself that there is nothing wrong with an even number first, but I don’t know why my eyes always search for an odd number for the start). So I’m not sure about this religious criteria and I have no affinity towards horoscope and all. 

Family oriented – I’m born into and raised up by a family. Family is important for me. I never had to give away anything for my family. It is something everybody stands up for others gain thing, and not one person salvages everything for others. So yes, in that case I’m family oriented. But my career is important for me too. Even though I couldn’t reach where I wanted to, I’m not going to sit at any home and mind households only. 

        By ‘well educated’ in partner preference I just meant a person who educated for the present world and not with a number of degrees. It is important for me that my life partner should be aware that the lesson we were taught in classes about behavior, manners and laws is for practical life. Job and earning should be according to his wish, not to others. It is important for a person to know what he wants in life. Money is important but not as health. And I don’t expect a person in my life addicted to any sort of drugs or beverages. A man with rational thinking and secular thought will stand for right. I would like to be with a person who can talk meaningful about anything in the world (preferably a person live with books). But how does one get to know all these by just reading a profile or a resume? It’s not filling up a post for a job, so personality is very important in marriages. And I don’t know how I put my preferences (the one I stated just above) when my close ones think that all those are irrational and impractical. But one thing to understand is priorities changes with people, if something impose forcefully on others it won’t stand for long,

        Most of the boys and family demanded for gentle, docile, artistic girls. I should not be the one who tells which category that I belong to. I’m not an extraordinary girl like the girls (women) around me. I do react to the things happens to me or around me. If I don’t like something I say it openly. I don’t tolerate baloney and I’m no way stand for abuses (any type). And I don’t have this idea that girl’s wishes fade away after marriage and her husband and in laws decide everything for her. I’m calm most of the time but I can’t say never be wild. I used to show anger at times before, but now it is cut out to near zero by understanding two things. That (my anger) never stops the things made me angry and it affects my health only. I’m more matured when I compare myself with the person I was 4 years back. It’s not people change if you say, it is people evolve. That makes one a better person. I don’t want to live the cliché life of a woman here. I want to live my life. Everybody wants the best, me too; but if I’m given the best and the one I want, I think I will go for the one I want.     

      I can’t hide my emotions most of the times even that is laugh or cry. And I’m not afraid to show my emotions. I would like to cut down my nervousness as I found it is infectious. When I’m not in mood I stay away from crowd which is not consider a good habit by my close ones. For them we always serve with smile, especially girls. I have no apprehension in saying ‘NO’ at the time it needed. I’m not susceptible to emotional blackmailing. Four people surrounds me saying ‘I’m that’ never made me ‘that’. I’m good with the outside world. I do have good friends, even though there are not many. I do have friends who consider I’m in good shape; need no change, I do have friends who thinks I’m capable of achieving what I wants and encourages for that, I do have friends who think I can be their family. Yes, I admit that I gave some people more importance in my life than they deserve. But I’m good at making good friends. So I don’t think my social life is boring even with my family, relatives, friends or neighbours.So to which category i belong to?

              I consider myself fortunate for my parents when I see the elders (my other relatives and neighbours) around me. My parents do not perceive many things as I do (in other words I don’t think in their way). But they don’t push anything on me. It is a huge thing when consider my extended family’s approach towards many things (read marriages here). An elder member (he’s the eldest of my father’s side now) of my extended family asked my father to fix my marriage and advised him not to seek my permission. And a lady of my family who is not more than 10 years to me said I’m lucky to have my parents, if anybody else in their place could easily make me to agree for some marriage (may be by repressive methods). Other male member of my family found my father as irresponsible and inferior to a man (who has many wives) because that man married off his daughters at proper time which my father didn’t. A lot of them ask me to say ‘yes’ to any one of the proposal. This is the attitude of the society I live in. So when consider all these, I’m pretty much fortunate to have my parents who don’t completely think my marriage as a show for people.

        But my choices especially in case of marriage differ with my family. So the profile created by my family for me may fetch a match for my parents (like son in law and family), but not for me (a husband). I do not like/want a life which builds on family status, horoscope, and dowry and so on to tangle on my head always. I don’t want to lose my freedom and myself when I move into another family. When I was 12 year old and play badminton with my brother at the terrace of my house, my mother used to reprimand me from that saying it was improper for a girl of my age to do so (playing). But today I can play with my brother in our front yard. I don’t want to go back to where I came from, there is no going backs. I can’t go against what I learn from my life (through education and experiences) even though it is not that long.

         Some interesting profiles which showed interest in my profile had to be rejected on some astrologer’s advice (by both sides). I’m happy about that (as I expect somebody may say ‘let’s forget these horoscopes and go with our lives’ though it is not happening). And a number of profiles which I found interesting didn’t show the same interest to me and vice versa. Each and every proposal (either by brokers or online matrimony) added my confusions. Is it the right way? Or do I want it in this way? (I’m not a top dog, but my priority counts at least in my life, right?)

        So I’m pretty much back to square one now. I want to get married only when somebody wants to marry me for who I’m and what I do; and I should have the same feeling towards him for whom he is (whatever medium through we meet I will make sure this happens). I don’t know what is going to happen, but I want it like I said. It may be a utopian thinking especially for a home ridden jobless girl, but it is the right one, I think. I’m raised with good characters and behaviour that enough to survive in this world and I’m well aware of my responsibilities. I can’t be just an answer for somebody’s life’s fill in the gap question. I want a person in my life who gives importance to me. And I want to be with a family which is respected by me, which can be well differentiating between businesses and relationships. And I only want the things I deserve in my life, nothing more.

Holy matrimony

              In two years time I had read a number of articles related marriages in a newspaper; some person’s view on marriages in the newspaper’s open page and the counter points by somebody else in next day’s letter and comments column. As a person; unmarried and neutral to the marriage concept, I noted one thing which was clearly visible from the above encounters that people who were advocates of marriages stated marriages as something necessary for all while others were just tried to explain why they didn’t want to marry (well, for then or forever). Most of them pointed out marriages as ‘inevitable’ to counter the urge of some people to live their lives ‘single and happy’. They tried to remind the parent’s wish and each and every person’s responsibility to a family ‘to have a family’ in support of marriages. We live in a society which considers marriages as sacred institutions. Well, they have to be sacred, are they?

          We don’t use the word ‘life partner’ much comparing the terms ‘husband and wife’ which is appropriate (to my thinking) as here the partnership is not that equal. There can be exceptions as one or two, but most of them are not equal. Well, I’m not saying this inequality making marriages ‘unsacred’, being equal or not depend on each one, if they don’t want, who cares? The story of marriages happens not when it takes place, it started to happen when a child born. Now the kid, boy or girl grow up in the society by seeing and learning what the society wants them to see that is a proper life(dignified) which is starting with education to the job and ends with marriage(yup, skipped a lot before and after, but it can summarize as above). Those are important; whatever in between you feels as important is just your ignorance or arrogance (well, they say so). So marriages come under necessities and we never try to object that, for us ‘it has to happen’ so why object? More than that, we are not familiar with a world without marriages.

             Most of us live with the idea that somebody who loves you like heaven will come and marry you (this is the fairytale part). Well, for some this happens, some people fall in love and start their new life with their choice. For others, their parents help them to find their suit (this is the most common). Both ways are not easy as it was written. The first group has to struggle a little bit at least for the approval of family and society. The second way is tiresome because the parents have not just to match the expectation of their kids, but to keep the expectation of the society (latter is important, society rules even in personal matters). The marriages become 'unsacred' then when it turns out to be a mere show for the society than building a healthy relationship.

             Our society considers marriages as sacred but not carries out the same in sacred ways. The people who opt to marry regardless of the socio-economic barriers (religion, caste, positions, and power) still now face the wrath of the society. Our progress in mindset is only in papers, we like to see all that in text books rather than in practical lives. In case of love marriages at least they get the man or women of their choice even though have to face some struggle (well, if they survive the honour killings and so on). But in arranged marriages you may see more social evils even when your guardians choosing your fate or helping to choose it (it is totally against 'elders are always right' concept). Here the bride or groom will come to your face after passing through religion, caste, and economic situation filters. Now they go through horoscope matches, dowry settlements etc. (if somebody raise their eyebrow here, I can’t help it but they were sleeping). At last the girl and boy meet, most probably the marriage will be the result. Thus a sacred marriage happens. In the stories we hear ‘love’ is the basis of marriage, but here we see more important things than that for a marriage.

               No matter how much we talk about the secularism, when it comes to marriages and relationships your maiden name play a big role whether it is rural or urban area. It is ridiculous to say that the pureness of love resides only relationships that between people who belong to same caste or religion. When we come to the astrological aspect of marriages, I don’t know it is applicable to all religions, but the one I belong to take that so seriously; whether you like or not the guy or girl if the horoscopes match is good, everything is good! So after passing through religion, caste, economic positions and horoscope filters you may present to two or three people, from them you chose one, there is a chance that you may not have to choose because of a single option. If you are a boy you get a dowry according to your market value, and for a girl your parents has to give dowry on your value. The society I see lament on dowry system as an evil in public meetings, but the same society always asks about the pocket money the boys get and the ornaments girls have. The dowry amounts for the status of the families. We had been taught dowry as a social problem throughout our educational period, and when the time comes whoever educated us tells us it was just for the exams. Apparently the man or woman of your life comes to you not according to your personality or principles but on some savage social norms. It doesn’t matter what you are or what you feel, if the socio-economic status matches the bride groom matches best.

              So what about somebody who have a different take on life? If a person values his or her opinions and principles than societies, what happen to them? Marriage is a very important institution in the sociological aspect as it has direct connection with other sociological institutions like religion, caste, family etc. But, does that only matter? What about the people who are getting involved in that. Do their way of life and attitude towards life doesn’t count? In the society I live parents of a girl is always bombarded with the questions of her marriage. Girls of twenties can’t stay without marriage. You want to get married or not, but it is the time for your marriage. Well, for them you probably enough matured to get married but still can’t take your own decisions like whether you want to get married now or not. Marriage is an important decision of a person’s life. And here it is taken by your parents and relatives. How can they do that, when they don’t think a girl can take a decision (of course right one) her own, but she is old enough to get married? Here the problem lies in the attitude towards the girl’s life; parents take care of her till the twenties and then married off then her husband take care of her. So it is just like caretaking, you are not getting a life partner but just a caretaker. Most of the girls don’t think the way I stated above, for them it is the normal way of marriages. Maximum two or three grooms with socio- economic horoscope match came to see the girl and from them the girl gets her prince charming if the parents of both sides could fix the deal with fulfilling their demands. So the early twenties (don’t mind even before that) is the time for marriage and dowry is an honour!

                 If I have to say I’m getting married only because my parents are frequently encountered by questions from the society relating my marriage, then I should be dead than married (okay, literally). Here, ’completed your studies, then get married’ ‘didn’t get a job, then get married’ ‘your cousins are already married, now get married’ ‘all your friends are married, get married’ ‘you are not that young, get married’ is the motto. Solution for all problems is marriage, even for unemployment! When people who don’t even know your name come to you and advice about your future life you just have to listen obediently for the sake of your parents, that is what good girls do, no ‘let it go’ here. It is pathetic that parents have to deal with this situation. But parents are also part of the same society who sneaks into others lives. Most of the parents have not to face such situations as their daughters are good girls. When they say it’s the time, the girls are ready to go. There are always some exceptions; such girls have to fight an unseen battle with society as well as family. I still don’t understand why the parents can’t answer that their daughter doesn’t want to get married then. (Oh, no! elders take the decision, you just have to say ‘yes’ to everything, parents got to show the society that you are a good girl) Parent’s ‘responsibility sword’ shouldn’t hang over kids. Obviously parents had the right to correct kid’s wrong decisions, but not to change their plan of life. But one thing here to remind the parents that the society comprises of families and their life, if they want to share anything they can do that with their families, but your kids got only you to tell their dreams and hopes, so hear them first.

              What about a person who thinks marriage should happen when he or she meets the right person? Such people may not agree with the searching process and they may not agree with the time constraint for that. At an age you decide now the time (may be because others saying so), then you will have some checklists for your partner, and then just fill the post!! Well, some agree with that too, but what about the parameters taken to find a perfect life partner? The region, religion, social status filters removes a lot of options. If the filters are minimum, then the chances for a perfect compatibility match is a maximum, some people will agree with this. How many of the brides and grooms get a chance to convey their disagreements with the horoscope compatibility if their parents are particular about that? So here also their choice has no validity.

                    Another important problem is of course the dowry. If a boy or girl who is against dowry can’t agree with such bargains in their life; that affects their self esteem. But here also the conflict remains there most of the times as the boy’s family demands something and girl’s parents are ready to give it even though the girl opposes it. How can a girl respect such a family which bargains for more gold and money to accept her as a daughter? And most of the time, both the bride and groom just let it happen even though they know that is wrong. Last part the wedding, which is nowadays turned out to be the best ‘show off’ method. Wedding as lifetime event should be grand, but what just ‘before’ and ‘after’ that showing us it is not actually the happiest moments of two persons, it is an entertainment event for the entire society. Marriage of course has a number rituals or functions which is applicable to all religions. But if every function is same as that of a wedding (on the number of people invited and money wasted) then what’s the importance of a wedding!

                 Finally, the wedding is a starting, starting of a new life by two people. And what is the advice to given to newly wed here, it is probably like ‘whatever happens, just stick to the relationship, you can’t spoil the family reputation’. I don’t know whether the same advice always give to boys also, but girls always get this. If somebody finds it’s horrible to continue with their married life then that one will be named as a spoiled brat. In a married life one has to adjust with whatever happens, and mostly girls become prey to this. There are no solutions, only adjustments. So, girls are raised like guinea pigs or what? Raised them, educated them, and married off them, now they act in front of the society a perfect wife and daughter in law. Well, even if the couple couldn’t keep up a good relationship they have to continue with that, that’s the way of proper life, for the sake of society, family and kids! Oh, most of the times the kids have to suffer the bad marriage effects  more (I once read somewhere the western men are reluctant to commit in a relationship because they are not ready for the ‘kids’ part soon but in case of Indian men it’s just the opposite, thinks it’s true!). So the show goes on.

           Now people may select to be single to enjoy their freedom or they are perfect their own. But soon, people move away from marriages because they don’t have faith in such an institution. Dejected by how a marriage is taking place in our society, one can decide to be single in whole life. The resistance is not against the marriage, it is against how it happens and how it should continue.

             Marriage is an important event of two person’s lives. Of course the two families are also involved very much in this, but still the decision should be by the two. If you as a parent don’t think your son or daughter can take their own decisions in their life, then probably you should not drag them into such a decision for satisfying the society. Society has nothing to do with your kid’s life. And your responsibility was to raise them as good citizens who can take good choices at the right time their own. To prove a social being, you don’t have to follow the outdated customs that prevailing in the society. In fact you should stand with the kids who have such a moral and social etiquette and let them live their life.

            In fact it is the responsibility of the society to make the institutions like marriages so sacred that the coming generation would love to embrace it. Marriage has its value only when two people sharing their lives with equal love, respect, trust and understanding. It won’t come as a business deal. For that, personalities should match, their principles and ideas should match, not the religion and horoscopes. More importantly society should not encourage the bad to the bone customs in the name of traditions. Traditions doesn’t synonym with evil.