Holy matrimony

              In two years time I had read a number of articles related marriages in a newspaper; some person’s view on marriages in the newspaper’s open page and the counter points by somebody else in next day’s letter and comments column. As a person; unmarried and neutral to the marriage concept, I noted one thing which was clearly visible from the above encounters that people who were advocates of marriages stated marriages as something necessary for all while others were just tried to explain why they didn’t want to marry (well, for then or forever). Most of them pointed out marriages as ‘inevitable’ to counter the urge of some people to live their lives ‘single and happy’. They tried to remind the parent’s wish and each and every person’s responsibility to a family ‘to have a family’ in support of marriages. We live in a society which considers marriages as sacred institutions. Well, they have to be sacred, are they?

          We don’t use the word ‘life partner’ much comparing the terms ‘husband and wife’ which is appropriate (to my thinking) as here the partnership is not that equal. There can be exceptions as one or two, but most of them are not equal. Well, I’m not saying this inequality making marriages ‘unsacred’, being equal or not depend on each one, if they don’t want, who cares? The story of marriages happens not when it takes place, it started to happen when a child born. Now the kid, boy or girl grow up in the society by seeing and learning what the society wants them to see that is a proper life(dignified) which is starting with education to the job and ends with marriage(yup, skipped a lot before and after, but it can summarize as above). Those are important; whatever in between you feels as important is just your ignorance or arrogance (well, they say so). So marriages come under necessities and we never try to object that, for us ‘it has to happen’ so why object? More than that, we are not familiar with a world without marriages.

             Most of us live with the idea that somebody who loves you like heaven will come and marry you (this is the fairytale part). Well, for some this happens, some people fall in love and start their new life with their choice. For others, their parents help them to find their suit (this is the most common). Both ways are not easy as it was written. The first group has to struggle a little bit at least for the approval of family and society. The second way is tiresome because the parents have not just to match the expectation of their kids, but to keep the expectation of the society (latter is important, society rules even in personal matters). The marriages become 'unsacred' then when it turns out to be a mere show for the society than building a healthy relationship.

             Our society considers marriages as sacred but not carries out the same in sacred ways. The people who opt to marry regardless of the socio-economic barriers (religion, caste, positions, and power) still now face the wrath of the society. Our progress in mindset is only in papers, we like to see all that in text books rather than in practical lives. In case of love marriages at least they get the man or women of their choice even though have to face some struggle (well, if they survive the honour killings and so on). But in arranged marriages you may see more social evils even when your guardians choosing your fate or helping to choose it (it is totally against 'elders are always right' concept). Here the bride or groom will come to your face after passing through religion, caste, and economic situation filters. Now they go through horoscope matches, dowry settlements etc. (if somebody raise their eyebrow here, I can’t help it but they were sleeping). At last the girl and boy meet, most probably the marriage will be the result. Thus a sacred marriage happens. In the stories we hear ‘love’ is the basis of marriage, but here we see more important things than that for a marriage.

               No matter how much we talk about the secularism, when it comes to marriages and relationships your maiden name play a big role whether it is rural or urban area. It is ridiculous to say that the pureness of love resides only relationships that between people who belong to same caste or religion. When we come to the astrological aspect of marriages, I don’t know it is applicable to all religions, but the one I belong to take that so seriously; whether you like or not the guy or girl if the horoscopes match is good, everything is good! So after passing through religion, caste, economic positions and horoscope filters you may present to two or three people, from them you chose one, there is a chance that you may not have to choose because of a single option. If you are a boy you get a dowry according to your market value, and for a girl your parents has to give dowry on your value. The society I see lament on dowry system as an evil in public meetings, but the same society always asks about the pocket money the boys get and the ornaments girls have. The dowry amounts for the status of the families. We had been taught dowry as a social problem throughout our educational period, and when the time comes whoever educated us tells us it was just for the exams. Apparently the man or woman of your life comes to you not according to your personality or principles but on some savage social norms. It doesn’t matter what you are or what you feel, if the socio-economic status matches the bride groom matches best.

              So what about somebody who have a different take on life? If a person values his or her opinions and principles than societies, what happen to them? Marriage is a very important institution in the sociological aspect as it has direct connection with other sociological institutions like religion, caste, family etc. But, does that only matter? What about the people who are getting involved in that. Do their way of life and attitude towards life doesn’t count? In the society I live parents of a girl is always bombarded with the questions of her marriage. Girls of twenties can’t stay without marriage. You want to get married or not, but it is the time for your marriage. Well, for them you probably enough matured to get married but still can’t take your own decisions like whether you want to get married now or not. Marriage is an important decision of a person’s life. And here it is taken by your parents and relatives. How can they do that, when they don’t think a girl can take a decision (of course right one) her own, but she is old enough to get married? Here the problem lies in the attitude towards the girl’s life; parents take care of her till the twenties and then married off then her husband take care of her. So it is just like caretaking, you are not getting a life partner but just a caretaker. Most of the girls don’t think the way I stated above, for them it is the normal way of marriages. Maximum two or three grooms with socio- economic horoscope match came to see the girl and from them the girl gets her prince charming if the parents of both sides could fix the deal with fulfilling their demands. So the early twenties (don’t mind even before that) is the time for marriage and dowry is an honour!

                 If I have to say I’m getting married only because my parents are frequently encountered by questions from the society relating my marriage, then I should be dead than married (okay, literally). Here, ’completed your studies, then get married’ ‘didn’t get a job, then get married’ ‘your cousins are already married, now get married’ ‘all your friends are married, get married’ ‘you are not that young, get married’ is the motto. Solution for all problems is marriage, even for unemployment! When people who don’t even know your name come to you and advice about your future life you just have to listen obediently for the sake of your parents, that is what good girls do, no ‘let it go’ here. It is pathetic that parents have to deal with this situation. But parents are also part of the same society who sneaks into others lives. Most of the parents have not to face such situations as their daughters are good girls. When they say it’s the time, the girls are ready to go. There are always some exceptions; such girls have to fight an unseen battle with society as well as family. I still don’t understand why the parents can’t answer that their daughter doesn’t want to get married then. (Oh, no! elders take the decision, you just have to say ‘yes’ to everything, parents got to show the society that you are a good girl) Parent’s ‘responsibility sword’ shouldn’t hang over kids. Obviously parents had the right to correct kid’s wrong decisions, but not to change their plan of life. But one thing here to remind the parents that the society comprises of families and their life, if they want to share anything they can do that with their families, but your kids got only you to tell their dreams and hopes, so hear them first.

              What about a person who thinks marriage should happen when he or she meets the right person? Such people may not agree with the searching process and they may not agree with the time constraint for that. At an age you decide now the time (may be because others saying so), then you will have some checklists for your partner, and then just fill the post!! Well, some agree with that too, but what about the parameters taken to find a perfect life partner? The region, religion, social status filters removes a lot of options. If the filters are minimum, then the chances for a perfect compatibility match is a maximum, some people will agree with this. How many of the brides and grooms get a chance to convey their disagreements with the horoscope compatibility if their parents are particular about that? So here also their choice has no validity.

                    Another important problem is of course the dowry. If a boy or girl who is against dowry can’t agree with such bargains in their life; that affects their self esteem. But here also the conflict remains there most of the times as the boy’s family demands something and girl’s parents are ready to give it even though the girl opposes it. How can a girl respect such a family which bargains for more gold and money to accept her as a daughter? And most of the time, both the bride and groom just let it happen even though they know that is wrong. Last part the wedding, which is nowadays turned out to be the best ‘show off’ method. Wedding as lifetime event should be grand, but what just ‘before’ and ‘after’ that showing us it is not actually the happiest moments of two persons, it is an entertainment event for the entire society. Marriage of course has a number rituals or functions which is applicable to all religions. But if every function is same as that of a wedding (on the number of people invited and money wasted) then what’s the importance of a wedding!

                 Finally, the wedding is a starting, starting of a new life by two people. And what is the advice to given to newly wed here, it is probably like ‘whatever happens, just stick to the relationship, you can’t spoil the family reputation’. I don’t know whether the same advice always give to boys also, but girls always get this. If somebody finds it’s horrible to continue with their married life then that one will be named as a spoiled brat. In a married life one has to adjust with whatever happens, and mostly girls become prey to this. There are no solutions, only adjustments. So, girls are raised like guinea pigs or what? Raised them, educated them, and married off them, now they act in front of the society a perfect wife and daughter in law. Well, even if the couple couldn’t keep up a good relationship they have to continue with that, that’s the way of proper life, for the sake of society, family and kids! Oh, most of the times the kids have to suffer the bad marriage effects  more (I once read somewhere the western men are reluctant to commit in a relationship because they are not ready for the ‘kids’ part soon but in case of Indian men it’s just the opposite, thinks it’s true!). So the show goes on.

           Now people may select to be single to enjoy their freedom or they are perfect their own. But soon, people move away from marriages because they don’t have faith in such an institution. Dejected by how a marriage is taking place in our society, one can decide to be single in whole life. The resistance is not against the marriage, it is against how it happens and how it should continue.

             Marriage is an important event of two person’s lives. Of course the two families are also involved very much in this, but still the decision should be by the two. If you as a parent don’t think your son or daughter can take their own decisions in their life, then probably you should not drag them into such a decision for satisfying the society. Society has nothing to do with your kid’s life. And your responsibility was to raise them as good citizens who can take good choices at the right time their own. To prove a social being, you don’t have to follow the outdated customs that prevailing in the society. In fact you should stand with the kids who have such a moral and social etiquette and let them live their life.

            In fact it is the responsibility of the society to make the institutions like marriages so sacred that the coming generation would love to embrace it. Marriage has its value only when two people sharing their lives with equal love, respect, trust and understanding. It won’t come as a business deal. For that, personalities should match, their principles and ideas should match, not the religion and horoscopes. More importantly society should not encourage the bad to the bone customs in the name of traditions. Traditions doesn’t synonym with evil.