What is in a name?

          I always wanted a pen name, even from I started writing. I was in 5^th or 6^th class when I started writing whatever comes to my mind. I was fond of having a pen name even though my literary works never shown light. There was a reason for that; I hated my name at that time. Well, my real and official name was not at all liked by me then. But as I grew up the dislike melted away. But I was not connected with my name well.

          My real name is a combined form of two short names. The first part means ‘shining’ or it related to reigns. The second part is a Hindu goddess name and the meaning is prosperity or wealth. And in combination it becomes the altitude of prosperity. My parents decided to name me the second part only but my father’s younger brother insisted to put the first part as well. And thus I got my name. Initially, I felt the name was an outdated one and I didn’t feel any connection with that. But I had to (still have to) face a serious problem than that. Everyone was started to call me the short form of my name, that is the first part only and I hated that more than my whole name. I couldn’t agree with that; that is not my name! But who cares? All my relatives and school friends still call me that. My attitude towards my name changed as years passed as I understood that this is what I got and I have to deal with this. But I am still angry with the short form calling. Fortunately most of my college mates call me by my complete name or shorter version that I approved.

           Apart from this when I meet new people and I tell them my name, I used to see their amusement. Well, that is because and not because of my name. My name explicitly states I’m a Hindu. But my look doesn’t match with that. So this people expect a Christian or Muslim name when they ask for my name used to exclaim ‘you are a Hindu’ or ‘really, looks like a Christian/Muslim’. And this is the one thing in my life that caused excitement to a lot of people. So when I was worried about my name being old, it puzzled a lot of people with my appearance. That is, I think my name doesn’t suits me, others think my appearance doesn’t suits with who I’m.

          Other thing which caught my attention later was that the name of goddess (which is my name) doesn’t go well with my personality. The Hinduism provides you more than 33 crores of Gods including men and women (this story prevalent in Kerala, I don’t know whether it is applicable in other areas too). Most of them are assigned with different tasks. This goddess of wealth is somewhat like calm, quiet and subtle character who gives blessings to whoever prays to her. I’m a little bit noisy and reactive. So people close to me used to say about this disparity between me and my name.

      In my college time, during our talk my friend said that I should be a 'kali, durga or bhadra' and my parents made a mistake while naming me. Those are Hindu goddesses who manage law and order type of things. At first, I was not happy with that comment; I thought I was not that much virulent. Then I liked the idea, all those were gracious, independent women who well manages the system. I felt (still feels) every woman should be gracious as well as courageous. Suddenly, my wish to have a pen name popped up. So, even though I haven’t proven to be one of them I took the name ‘DURGA’ as my pen name with the hope that I will be the ‘meaning’ of that name with my pen. And then I added my parents’ name (in short form) as initials. After that I write by this name, I became Durga when I write. Well, I like my pen name than my original. It has something that connects with me well.

            I don’t hate my original name. Now, I respect my name more than before. That is my identity towards the world. It is important for me as it represent me in the world I live. And I like the name I given myself because it represent for what I think I’m. Both can’t be wrong. It is important for some to suit their name with their persona.  For others it should be match with what they are in front of the society.  The meaning, logic, origin: everything behind a name matters. A name matters.